I have missed blogging.
Throughout my life, journaling and, most recently, blogging has helped me deal with things. Putting things down in black and white seems to settle any fears, anxieties or confusion I feel about a particular situation and helps me focus on what truly matters. In a way it helps center and ground me. Since having children though, journaling/blogging have been on the back burner. Why? Simply because I did not anticipate just how much one little person (or two in my case) could so utterly consume my time, thoughts and life.
Once upon a time, not so very long ago, I had a schedule and day planner and list for everything. It annoyed me when I was around disorganized and scatterbrained people. If I was packing for a trip, there was a (detailed) list(s) of every single item to be packed. I was completely packed and triple checked my lists no later than 24 hours before scheduled departure time. My house was even cleaned on a schedule. I had 3×5 cards that said exactly what to clean and when. My bills were kept in an organizer and I was never late.
I. Was. Bored.
More specifically, I was feeling unfulfilled. No amount of organization and so-called “control” could make me feel like I was fulfilling my purpose in life. I had a good job, an amazing husband and lots of activities and friends. But nothing could fill that missing piece. That is until Thing 1 came along. And with her arrival, the departure of my organization skills and “control” of my life. For a little while I maintained my “control”, but she had other plans. Colic, mixed with eczema, lactose intolerance and a bumpy start with breastfeeding made for uncontrollable screaming, fussing and tummy issues. ! My life seemed out of control and consumed with trying to solve all of my child’s problems. I had zero control.
In that lack of control, I found a peace that had been missing for awhile. God’s peace. I was never in “control” in the first place. He was, and still is!
I have since realized that I may never be the organized person I once was, but I will take the “chaos” of having my two blessings any day over the unfulfilled and boring “control” that was my life before kids. Besides, God is in control of where my life is going, so why do I have to be?