My Mommy Moment happened just this evening, I was playing with Thing 1 and I went to blow a raspberry on her belly when she brought her head forward and, with her chin, nailed my left eye. I currently am sporting a wonderful shiner and I can honestly laugh about it. It would not have been the case last week.
I was a grump last week. I admit it, I could have won the award for grumpiest wife/mommy hands down. But there was nothing anyone could have done to fix it. Because I have Postpartum Depression.
I know there are many women who deal with this particular issue after giving birth. This is just my story of what I am currently dealing with.
After I had Thing 1 in November of 2010, I experienced what I thought was just the Baby Blues. It was the Christmas, which is my favorite time of year, but I was so sad and feeling very detached and isolated even though family was all around me. I was struggling with breastfeeding Thing 1. There were latching issues and other things that were sandbagging our efforts at breast-feeding exclusively. To top it all off, Thing 1 would only nurse in the football hold and refused to eat if there was a nursing cover over her head. So whenever I needed to feed her, which at the time was every 45 minutes to 90 minutes, I would have to excuse myself to another room. I began to resent myself and the baby, pretty much everything in general. When I started to supplement with formula when Thing 1 was about 2 months old, things got a little easier. Then she had Colic. If any of you have ever had a child with Colic, you understand that it takes amounts of patience and compassion that are almost superhuman to deal with your child. Needless to say it did not help the “blues”. Only after I had managed to get through that time, did I realize that what I had actually been experiencing was Postpartum Depression. My hubby encouraged me to talk to someone while I was going through it, but denied that I needed any help. I wish I had.
The last 2 weeks have been rough. Thing 2 is still nursing beautifully and growing wonderfully. She makes me smile every day and I am so proud to be her Mommy. Thing 1 is so smart! She is only 18 months old and she is beginning to speak in sentences. Maybe I am just biased but I think she is very smart for her age.Thing 2 has a different personality than Thing 1, but that is ok.
I on the other hand have not been ok. I have been very negative, and apathetic. I have read that Postpartum Depression can worsen with each consecutive child. That worries me, quite frankly. We are not done having children but I do not know what scares me more, having more kids or having PPD worsen with each one. Hubby has been very sensitive to my needs and at the first sign of being depressed, he told me that I was going to talk to someone whether I liked it or not. LOL I love him so much.
However, I do not love not being happy or at least content with anything. It is a vicious circle that I get into. I hate not being happy, that leads to me not wanting to get out of bed, which leads to things not getting done around the house, which leads to me not being happy again.
I am now currently dealing with the reality that, Yes, I do in fact have Postpartum Depression and that I can do something about it and I do not have to suffer alone or in silence. It is still a daily struggle to find the positive and uplifting moments of the day, but it will become easier. I just have to work toward the goal of focusing on the Positive things and people who God has placed in my life and not the Negative. So to wrap it all up, I will be talking on a regular basis with a good friend who has herself experienced this.
To all the women out there, who have dealt with, or are dealing with this issue, keep your chin up and you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Have a great week!!!